Widow
It’s just the moving forward part
the getting on with your life part
the being grateful for what you had part.
I managed the bleed, the bathroom floor
The hospital, the kids, the family, the friends,
The news, the shock, the devastation,
The brave face, the hope, the optimism,
The drugs, the driving (with you as a passenger!)
The endless trips to be poisoned,
The fruitless efforts to get you to eat,
The pills and needles, pumps and procedures,
And the relentless dragon of bad news.
All you endured we shared
Our one heart beating
Our one breath whispering
words of love at 3 am
Held your hand every time they hurt you
and all through the night
and as your last breaths left you
my darling beautiful one.
I will never let go of your hand my love
But you have let go of mine you see
And tethered by love float above me
In a cloudless sky just out of reach
I rose to the occasion
But so did you, and now
No matter how far I stretch
You are still above me and within me
Beyond me and around me
I am made of you
So there is no moving forward
For I take you with me
No getting on with life
For you are my life
And as for grateful, my darling
I am, for every minute I spent
In the miracle of your love
Making every minute since
Incomprehensible. Unimaginable. Obscene.
So the Academy Award for best actress
in a leading role goes to
The universe’s most cherished wife
In the role of the Merry Widow.
Written on what would have been our 20th anniversary
Half a Bed
Your half my half
always the same
tried once to switch
but it didn’t feel right
Your side my side
20 years, 100 beds
Ireland, India, Israel
cottage, camping
blanket in the forest
pop-up camper
waving across to the girls
me from my side
you from yours
A little bit of wrangling
over covers
but if truth be told
there was no your side
and my side when we slept
or when we didn’t
We fell asleep wrapped
in each other’s arms
and sometimes joined
you inside my side
my half and your half
making a whole
And when you died
on your side
I was there, too
cradling you
holding your hands
Your side became my side
That very night
your baby said
“I want to sleep on Daddy’s side”
It’s the place the dog always goes
The daughter still lingers
and after I tuck her in her bed
the way you used to
I lie there each night
on your half
my whole
the air shimmering between us
your half has become my half
I am half what I was.