I wrote this for my niece Blythe and her husband Nick who decided they wanted to “self-officiate” their wedding in New Orleans. Setting aside the legalities (most places do require an officiant for a legal ceremony) what I said (and what I know to be true!) is that people have been choosing partners to love since the beginning of time and marking it in a special way – long before the church or state got into the act.
After all, as I always say to couples who come to see me about planning their weddings “If you’re here today, you’re already married in your hearts.”
Crafting their ceremony was a creative challenge because most of the language of the traditional wedding (in almost all cultures) has the minister asking the questions (on behalf of God, the universe, the human community or those assembled) and making the pronouncements. Their decision caused me to think deeply about what it truly means to “marry each other” in a ceremony just between the two of you and why that can make it so special.
The Wedding of Blythe Cronyn and Nick Sonsini
New Year’s Eve, New Orleans, Louisiana
We have come here on this special day to marry one another.
This day symbolizes both an ending and a beginning,
because it is the last day of the year
and stands on the threshold of the year to come.
It is a year where we have seen the fulfilment of dreams
and so it is fitting that we choose
to mark its ending by marrying each other,
the greatest fulfilment of a dream of life together
that we have shared for a long time.
We have chosen to be simply with one another,
because we understand that two people
really make a marriage and over the last ten years,
through many changes and challenges,
we have demonstrated to one another the deep Love
and lifetime commitment that makes a marriage.
We have lived our Love with countless acts
of caring, support, encouragement and faith in one another
and stand ready to promise this Love to one another in marriage forever.
We have been each other’s biggest cheerleaders
and softest place to land;
we have been strong for each other
and vulnerable in trusting each other
with our fears, disappointments and tender places,
and we have found each other to be worthy of this deepest trust.
But although we have chosen to marry
in the circle of one another’s arms, we are not alone.
All who love us are with us;
their hearts full to overflowing with happiness for us,
their eyes brimming with tears, their hands outstretched
to welcome us home with joy
as husband and wife.
Reading Sonnet XVII by Pablo Neruda
I don’t love you as if you were the salt-rose, topaz
or arrow of carnations that propagate fire:
I love you as certain dark things are loved,
secretly, between the shadow and the soul.
I love you as the plant that doesn’t bloom and carries
hidden within itself the light of those flowers,
and thanks to your love, darkly in my body
lives the dense fragrance that rises from the earth.
I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where,
I love you simply, without problems or pride:
I love you in this way because I don’t know any other way of loving
But this, in which there is no I or you,
so intimate that your hand upon my chest is my hand,
so intimate that when I fall asleep it is your eyes that close.
Declaration of Intent
Nick “Blythe, I have come here today freely to give myself to you in
marriage, to be your husband and to make you my wife.”
Blythe “Nick, I have come here today freely to give myself to you in
marriage, to be your wife and to make you my husband.”
Betrothal Promise
I Nick, take you Blythe, to be my wife;
to have and to hold from this day forward
for better, for worse;
for richer, for poorer;
in sickness and in health
to love and to cherish as long as we both shall live.”
I Blythe, take you Nick, to be my husband;
to have and to hold from this day forward
for better, for worse;
for richer, for poorer;
in sickness and in health
to love and to cherish as long as we both shall live.”
Your Own Vows
Hold hands and look into each other’s eyes when you say them.
Ring Blessing
Rings have been used to symbolize a lifetime of love since the beginning of time.
Our rings carry the additional meaning of having been made with love
by one of the bearers of them.
Love has been poured into their very metal
and love fashioned them into beauty.
Nick, yours is a symbol of the simplicity and strength you embody.
Blythe, yours is delicate but shines with creativity and promise.
Each cup the other’s ring in your right palm, join left hands and say
“By the circle of these rings, we will always return to one another.”
The Giving and Receiving of Rings
Place the ring on each other’s hands saying:
“Blythe, with this ring, I thee wed and promise to love you forever.”
“Nick, with this ring, I thee wed and promise to love you forever.”
Pronouncement
Long have we lived in the joy and comfort of one another
Undaunted, facing trials and triumphs
Back to back in fierce courage
Side by side venturing forth together
Through all of this we have proven worthy of the trust
We place in one another.
We have come before one another
in love and hope
Declaring our commitment
Making our promises
And setting a seal upon our vows
With the giving and receiving of rings
So by the greatest force in the universe
By the power, beauty and mystery of Love
We declare that we are husband and wife!
The Kiss!